Creating intimacy in marriage takes work. It’s easy to blame your spouse for a lack of intimacy. Since he or she is at least as imperfect as you, they are probably an easy target. But, if we really want to develop and maintain intimacy in our marriages, we have to lay aside the “blame” game and focus instead on what you can do to work on the intimacy in your relationship.

Understand that you set the mood, tone, and atmosphere in your marriage.

After reading this sentence some people may disagree with me, because they would blame their spouse or the needs of their children for most of the negativity in their marriage. In most cases, it does take two people, but we are often quick to blame and not willing to work at setting the necessary atmosphere and attitude to create a more intimate marriage. Without sounding like a dreamer, you can change the atmosphere of your marriage almost immediately with A.W.E. (Affection, Warmth, and Encouragement). This is one of the most important lessons I have ever learned for my own marriage.

Far too many times we don’t intentionally set the thermostat of our relationship to a more positive setting. Instead, we let the temperature fluctuate according to what the other person does or doesn’t do. We react to the stresses of life, and the atmosphere can quickly turn negative.

Certainly conflict, anger, and frustration happen in the best of marriages. But, an intimate marriage, one filled with A.W.E. is a decision not to live a life based on circumstances or reactions to your spouse. It is a decision to proactively live a life filled with self-control in which you choose to set an atmosphere that leads your relationship to a healthier spot.

Most people don’t take the time to really examine their inner lives. Many people feel dead on the inside and their relationships are stale, but they continue to function outwardly as if nothing is wrong. Below the surface, though, these ignored problems fester and break out in all sorts of negative ways. Grief that is ignored, for instance, often turns into depression and hopelessness. Hurt that is ignored becomes defensiveness toward our spouse, and the suppressed anger can easily turn into bitterness. These are the tumors of the heart that can adversely affect our marriages.

So, start down the road to a healthier marriage by taking the time to examine your own life. The apostle Paul’s advice to Timothy was this: “Keep a close watch on yourself and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right, and God will save you and those who hear you” (1 Timothy 4:16 NLT).

To create a more positive atmosphere in your marriage you will need to quit blaming your spouse, kids, parents, mother-in-law, boss, or the dog! They are not responsible for your unhappiness. Sure they may be contributing to your hurt, but unless there is abuse in your life, you are responsible for how you respond.

Inject A.W.E. into your marriage.

A – Affection

The basic need of all people is to love and be loved. Your marriage needs affection in order to thrive. You can create an atmosphere of intimacy and closeness through affection. If you are not naturally affectionate, don’t fake being overly mushy, but work on it. Couples who hold hands, kiss passionately, and bring gifts like flowers and chocolate to one another are couples who have a much better chance for a healthy relationship. Back rubs work; saying “I love you” in a hundred different ways works; showing tenderness and honoring your spouse works wonders for your relationship. Choose intentionally to focus on bringing affection to your relationship and you will almost certainly see immediate results when you do. Personally, I am amazed at how often Cathy has changed my mood and the atmosphere of our home with a simple gesture of affection.

W – Warmth

Keeping a relationship full of warmth takes a lot of work, self-control and focus. Think back to your dating days. Naturally, there was much more warmth to the relationship back then. Why? We worked at it and we didn’t feel the need to fight out every battle.Sometimes marriages slip into bad habits, and a lack of warmth is just a bad habit. Too many relationships are trying to function with a constant low-grade anger and negative atmosphere, and this is just like trying to live life to the fullest with an infection and fever.

We all have emotional bank accounts. To have a healthier marriage, we need to make more deposits to our spouse’s emotional bank account than withdrawals. We make withdrawals from our spouses account, for example, by nagging, negativity, shaming, rudeness, a critical spirit, never saying you’re sorry, telling your spouse that they are never good enough, and heaping guilt on them. By contrast, making deposits our spouses emotional bank account is all about those times when we offer them warmth: saying we’re sorry and meaning it, making and keeping our promises, showing kindness and thoughtfulness, putting their needs ahead of our needs, tenderness, hugs, tone of voice, and having fun together.

E – Encouragement

The only thing that a critical spirit, nagging and negativity can bring to a marriage is lack of intimacy. Many people were raised in homes where “shame-based parenting” was the rule rather than the exception. So, for many, there is a natural tendency to focus on the negative side of life, but that just doesn’t work in relationships. There is incredible power in encouragement and affirmation. Mark Twain once said, “I can live two months on one good compliment.

Showing encouragement involves being available to your spouse. Your presence in your spouse’s life makes all the difference. It sometimes speaks louder than words. Your availability, both physically and emotionally, says to your spouse that he or she is in a safe relationship. Don’t expect to have a thriving marriage if there is too much hostility and lack of attention paid to your spouse. It just doesn’t work that way.

Find ways to affirm and encourage your spouse. Some people receive encouragement through words, some through presence, some through gifts, some through kind actions. The key to encouraging your spouse in the best way possible is to literally make a study of them to figure out what works for them.

It Begins with You and Me

Creating an intimate marriage isn’t easy. You might even be questioning, “Is it even possible to improve my marriage at this point?” Well, if you believe the answer to that question lies within the “if only my spouse would change” department, then you’ve got it wrong. There is no place this side of heaven where we will be free of pain, problems, frustrations, and negative people. Conflict is inevitable in relationships. But, it is important to remember that there is one person who can make a difference in your marriage atmosphere; one person who can get you started down the road to a more intimate marriage, and that person is… you.

I brought home the most expensive roses I had ever seen. Cathy was ecstatic. Even her friend, who was at our home at the time, was impressed. Cathy went searching for a vase while I basked in the accolades from her friend at what a romantic husband I was. Life was good. Cathy came back to the kitchen with a small vase and scissors in order to cut the long stemmed roses to make them short enough to fit the vase. After my initial shock, I quickly offered to go buy a bigger vase but she insisted that the roses were lovely and all she had to do was cut them to make them fit the vase she had – which she proceeded to do.  I watched helplessly as my $84.00 roses had just become $38.00 roses.

Frankly, it wasn’t about the size of the flowers, it’s the thought that counts. My flower financial fiasco told Cathy I was thinking about her. The flowers and a wonderful candlelit dinner created by yours truly did the trick. This is an oversimplification, but many men just don’t put in the time to be intentional about romance. For whatever reason, we don’t give romance the attention it deserves. Too many people think the words “intentional” and “romance” shouldn’t be in the same sentence. I disagree. For those of us who don’t usually act like we are fresh off the set of an Italian or French romance movie, we need to learn to be intentional about bringing romance to our relationship. Frankly, if you are too tired or too distracted to work on romance in your marriage then something is very wrong.

In your relationship, putting time and attention toward romance honors your spouse. Paul’s advice to the Romans works well:   “Be devoted to one another…Honor one another above yourselves (Romans 12:10).” I want to share with you my practical strategy I call “The Passion Plan.” This plan is about being intentional with romance in your relationship. Before I share it with you, let me ask you this question: Are the choices you are making today about your romance and intimacy with your spouse going to be harmful or helpful to your relationship in the years to come? If you aren’t winning in the romance department, you can improve very simply as you become more proactive in your romantic relationship. The Passion Plan is not about cute techniques or simple formulas that will magically turn your marriage around; however, through my book, Creating An Intimate Marriage, I have heard of hundreds of people who are becoming more intentional about romance and intimacy and it quickly makes a difference.

The Passion Plan

You will need to reserve at least:

15 seconds a day

15 minutes 5 days a week

1.5 hours a week

And another 1.5 hours a week

Here’s The Passion Plan explained:

1. Kiss passionately for at least 15 seconds every day.

Daily passionate kissing keeps the fire burning. Kissing is intimate and romantic. A prostitute once said, “I will have sex with my clients but not kiss them. Kissing is far too intimate.” Passionate kissing for even fifteen seconds a day releases feelings about each other that say, “I love you. I want to be with you. You are special to me.” This is not about sex, it’s about romance. One last thought: There is no rule that you have to keep it at fifteen seconds. Go ahead and splurge…go for longer!

2. Take 15 minutes at least 5 days a week to connect and talk.

Frankly, if there is not emotional intimacy or connection, there will be little interest in healthy romance. Find time to connect. Find time to communicate on a deeper level. We have friends who are in pastoral ministry who have a set standing appointment just to sit on the couch, hold hands and talk about their lives with each other. The kids can take a 15-minute break, their church doesn’t need them for those 15 minutes and the investment of time talking and connecting speaks volumes to the pastor’s spouse. Cathy and I like to take our dog for a walk. This is our time to share our hearts with each other. Too many times, I’ve seen this as physical exercise or taking care of the dog and then I realize this time together connecting was very important for Cathy…and me.

A non-negotiable, regularly scheduled date with your spouse speaks volumes. This is a time to not talk about insurance, the bills or your work problems, but rather focus on each other. The question I have to ask myself as I prepare to go out with Cathy is, “Am I only giving Cathy my emotional scraps?” Dates don’t have to be fancy or expensive. I find that Cathy can put up with a fairly crazy schedule if she knows she has my full attention on a weekly date. If you are too busy to date, you are too busy with lesser priorities.

4. Schedule into your life 1.5 hours a week for sexual intimacy.

If you are like most people, you may stumble on the word schedule. Spontaneity is wonderful when it comes to romance and let’s hope for many breathtaking spontaneous moments. But all marriage authorities do agree that a scheduled regular time for sexual intimacy can bring a spark back to the relationship quite quickly. Believe me, if you do this, you will get past the word “schedule” very quickly. One pastoral couple I know from Tennessee schedules sexual intimacy every Wednesday. He has to preach on Wednesday nights and his wife told me he is never long-winded anymore. Even during the day, they may flirt with each other with an email that simply reads, “It’s Wednesday.”

If romance doesn’t come easy for you, just remember, it’s the thought that counts, and trust me, it’s worth every effort and every moment you invest in strengthening your marriage! Not only does your spouse benefit, but your entire family as well. I believe that loving your spouse is one of the best things you can do for your children.

Dr. Gottman’s six poor communication habits are:

1. Harsh Start ups
2. The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling?
3. Flooding?
4. Body Language?
5. Failed Repair Attempts?
6. Bad Memories

Let me explain in my own words the dynamics behind these habits of poor communication. I think, like me, you will see yourself in many of them.

1. Harsh Start Ups: Harsh start ups put the other person in the defensive before the conversation has a chance.
2. The Four Horsemen: Dr. Gottman claims that certain types of negativity are more lethal to your relationship. His four horsemen are 1) Criticism: Complaints are normal but criticism deals more with your spouse’s character and personality. 2) Contempt: This is long simmering negative thoughts about your partner that turn into disrespect. 3) Defensiveness: As we discussed earlier in the chapter this approach rarely ever works and usually turns the conversation into a blame game. 4.) Stonewalling: Eventually your partner tunes you out. Raymond wasn’t willing to work at communication with Sylvia; he simply crawled into his cave and the conversation stopped for the time being.
3. Flooding: This happens when you or your spouse bombards the communication with negativity whether it is in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or any other negative approach. Some people would call consistent nagging a form of flooding. One man told me that when his wife starts flooding and nagging at him, he feels like she is taking her hand and just tapping on his chest until he blows up.
4. Body Language: Authorities tell us that good communication is more about body language than actual words. When a person shuts the other person out with their body language, usually the healthy communication is over. Literally sometimes their body language is evident that they have quit listening. It is too difficult to stay that intense.
5. Failed Repair Attempts: A repair attempt is when a couple puts the brakes on the tension in the relationship and deescalates the conversation. Obviously there are times with intense communication where a couple needs to take a timeout. In a relationship that isn’t working, a failed repair attempt doesn’t work at decreasing the tension or lowering the stress level. Constant failed repair attempts are like that stress fracture that just keeps getting worse.
6. Bad Memories: When a couple is consumed with negativity it not only affects their past but it can place danger on their future. In almost all cases there are very good and happy memories in every relationship but if things are too negative that they can’t remember the good times, the relationship is deteriorating.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we’ve talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Cathy and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my kids had a similar type of marriage that Cathy and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we’ve developed over 26 years.

Here are 10 actions that I know my kids have observed from us over the year:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Kids are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage.

Question: Do you have intentional actions that you’re modeling to your kids? Do you have some actions that are different from the ones I’ve listed? If so, share them.

Showing affection, warmth, and encouragement to one’s spouse may sound like a no-brainer. But with so many demands on their time and energy, husbands and wives often neglect their relationship.

I know this because I’ve been there. Years ago, my workaholic tendencies created a crisis in my marriage. Fortunately, my wife Cathy made me aware of what was happening to us. Together, we developed a three-point plan to help bring our marriage back to a healthier place: a non-negotiable date night each week; being away from home only three nights a week; and giving Cathy veto power over my schedule. Another couple may need a different plan, with five, ten or twenty agreed-upon principles. The point is to be intentional about marriage – make it a top priority.

Since my book Creating an Intimate Marriage had just been released, I am always intrigued by couples who look like they have it together. I greeted them, and they greeted me and started talking about my dog.

I then said, “You look so happy. What is your secret to keeping an intimate marriage strong?”

They looked at each other and then sheepishly looked at me and said, “Oh we’re not married. And we wouldn’t want our spouses to know about our (wink-wink) ‘business trip.’”

I’m not usually without words, but I was stunned. Obviously, this was a couple having an affair. I mumbled an awkward “Oh, I’m sorry” as I wandered off.

They probably took my “I’m sorry” to mean that I was sorry I thought they were married. Actually, I was sorry that they had to find a false sense of intimacy in an illegitimate relationship. I’m sorry for their spouses. I’m sorry for their kids. I’m sorry for their blatant disobedience to their Creator.

If I were going to guess, I would say that these two people got married to the love of their lives; and then when kids and work and bills and all the rest came along, their marriage relationships were neglected. Because of all their other responsibilities, they neglected their relationships with their spouses and neglected their commitment to their marriage vows.

Then their relationships drifted. Sometimes people don’t even know they are drifting until one day they look up and say, “What on Earth happened to us?”

Then who knows what happened, but they perhaps looked to other things and people to fill their deep desire for intimacy in their marriages. Finally, this couple chose to forfeit their God-given potential for intimacy in their marriages for the false intimacy of an affair.

As you may know, I care deeply about kids. There may be nothing more important to the security and future health of a child, than the relationship between his/her mom and dad. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for single parents as well. Almost all of them would say it would be easier to raise up a child as a couple, rather than single. If you are married, I want to encourage you to be intentional about creating intimacy in your marriage. A healthy marriage is one with a good deal of physical, emotional, and even spiritual intimacy. It brings security not only to the couple, but to their family as well.

If you don’t think you have been focused enough lately on the priority of your marriage, then I want to challenge you to invest in your relationship. It will be good for you and for your kids. It will keep you from going down a road you really don’t want to go on–like the couple I met at the Harbor.